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Saturday, December 3, 2016

dog in french

[tense music] [police siren] hey, you got a permitfor those guns? i got your permit right here. [80's synthpop music] catchy tune. [sound effects andshooting from arcade games] [geek in arcade]fuck this game. fuck you![arcade game beeping]

[static from arcade game] [clanking and whirringof machinery] [car horns honkingand people screaming] [people screamingand baby crying] [signal from police walk talkie]we need backup, we need kung fury. [gun shots and screamingin the distance] [seductive 80's saxophone music] yeah, that's my bicep. [telephone ringing]

one second babe. hello? [police officer] we got an arcade machine down here going crazy, it is killing everybody, it's destruction, chaos, terror- [crunching of plastic] what are you gonna do? my job. [80's synthpop action music] [car engine revving]

[people screamingand dog whimpering] [car horns honkingand car accelerating] [80's technopop action music] [interference in music] [music kicks back in] [futuristic gun shots] [end of 80's technopopaction music] game over. [static from failing machinery]

[kung fury] i'm a cop and damn good at my job. it all began years ago. in the line of duty, me and my partner were chasing down a mysterious kung fu-master. [kung fury] you're under arrest, punk. show us your hands. [clinking ofmetal clasps closing] good work, dragon.

that crazy stunt could've killed us both. but goddammit, you're the best partner i've ever had. thanks, i learned from the best. you're like a father to me.[sword swinging] [kung fury] with one fatal blow, he hit my partner. [squelching] [kung fury] i could tell he was dead straight off. [tense musicand kung-fu master grunting] [eery echoingand dripping of blood]

[kung fury] before i could pull the trigger i was hit by lightning and bitten by a cobra. i blacked out. [eery echoingand soft tinkling] and saw images of ancient shaolin temples and monks, mastering the art of kung fu. there was an ancient prophecy, about a new form of kung fu so powerful, only one man could master it.

the chosen one. when i woke up, i saw the kung fu master running towards me. i could feel my body mutate into some sort of kung fu freak of nature. [kung fu master screaming] [80's synthpop musicwith a kung fu undertone] you! you are the chosen one!

- knock, knock. - who's there? knuckles. [kung fu master screamingin the distance] [tense musicand fire crackling] [kung fury] as a memento, i put on a strip of cloth from the dead kung fu master. i decided i would use my new super kung fu powers to fight crime. so, i became the best cop in the world.

i became, kung fury. [80's synthpop music fades out] [static from radioand noises from the city] [chief mcnickles]i don't wanna hear it kung fury. i just got back from city hall, $50 million worth of damages, and i got the mayor up my ass like a fag on viagra. how am i going to explain this to the press, hm? you just destroyed an entirecity block for christ's sake. didn't you tell meto block it out?

i told you do it by the book. cut the bullshit. nobody else could have stopped that arcade machineand you know it. [chief mcnickles]oh man, listen to me kung fury. you need to start followingthe rules like the rest of us, so i'm assigning youa new partner. what?hell no, i work alone. not anymore you don't.

say hi to your new partner,triceracop. very nice meeting you kung fury, looking forward toworking with you. you're like a father to me. i work alone. either you team upwith triceracop, or you're off the case. i'm not off the case, i quit.

[80's synthpop musiccoming from radio] yeah yeah, i did the blood test. it was positive, yeah? [girl on phone] what the hell are you talking about? yeah no problem. [hitler]give me the phone. [hitler dialling phone] what the hell is this? [telelphone ringing]

- chief mcnickles speaking. - is this the police? - yeah, this is the police.- fuck you! [police officersshouting hysterically] [bullets pinging off wallsand glass smashing] malfunctioning? [phone beeping] i need someoneto trace that call! but that's impossible! [hackerman]not for me it isn't.

[rock and roll guitar riff] [kung fury] hackerman, he's the most powerful hacker of all time. follow me. [hackerman]i was able to triangulate the cell phone signal and trace the caller. his name is adolf hitler. hitler, he's the worst criminal of all time. do you know him, sir? i guess you could say that.

in the 1940's,hitler was a kung fu champion. [kung fury] he was so good at kung fu, that he decided to change his name to kung fã¼hrer. but he didn't stop there. he knew of the kung fury prophecy, and wanted to claim the throne. he and his posse of nazi soldiers conducted experiments for years. [tense musicwith a kung fu undertone]

but they weren't able to figure out how to master the art of kung fury. and one day, he disappeared from the face of the earth. and no-one has seen him ever since. until now. i guess he figured if he couldfind and kill the chosen one, he would becomekung fury himself. he must have traveled in time in order to get here,

that's probably whyhe disappeared. so, what're you gonna do? i'm gonna go back in timeto nazi germany, and kill hitler,once and for all. [hackerman]so, how are you gonna do that? i'm not sure. i need some sort oftime machine. wait a minute, using an rx modulator,i might be able to conduct

a mainframe cell direct andhack the uplink to the download. what does that mean? with the right algorithms,i can hack you back in time. just like a time machine. well then, it's hacking time. [80's action musicfades to static] [action music kicks back in] [computer beeping] oh, no!

[interference in80's action music] [silence] [eery echoing and wind blowing] [soft 80's synthpop music] [electrical surge] [music fades out] fuck! that's a laser-raptor. i thought they went extinct thousands of years ago.

[machine gun shootingand laser-raptor wailing] [soft, indigenous music] [bird cawing in the distance] who are you? my name, is barbarianna. [rock and roll music] what year is this? it's the viking age.

that explains the laser-raptor. fuck! i went too far back in time. you need to get outof this valley. this place is swarmingwith laser-raptors. i'll meet you at the god's drop.katana can help you get there. who's katana? [katana]i'm katana. i can give you a ride to asgard. a ride on what?

[upbeat rock and roll music] [rock and roll music fades out] so, who are you? i'm a cop from the future. i was sent back in timeto kill hitler, but i accidently wenttoo far back in time and ended up in this place. i know someonewho might be able to help you. thor!

[dramatic music] [thor]behold! it is me, thor! son of odin and protector of mankind. check out my pecs. your pecs are epic. [thor]thanks bro! so, anyway. thor, this is kung fury,he's a cop from the future. [kung fury]yeah, i need to get tonazi germany and kill hitler...

- so if you could help me with--- stop! [sounds of a storm brewing] hammer time. [dramatic 80's synthpop music] walk through this portal andyou'll end up in nazi germany. good luck to you kung fury! thanks thor! well,looks like this is my ride. hey, future cop,where are you going?

you know, take my number. and use this phone to call me. it's a personal, transportable,cellular telephone. it features 645 channelcapacity, 10 number speed dial, and an electronic security lock. this revolution in communicationcould make it possible for more and more people to have a phone in their car! tank you. i'm the greatest kung fu master of all time,

right guys? [crowd cheering and whistling] [hitler]thank you! [tank engine revvingand accelerating] [kung fury]i'm disarming you. my arm! my arm! [arm mimics the soundof a helicoper] [dull thud] [low intense drone]

kill him! [clamor of nazi soldiers] [nazi soldiers groaning in painand kung fury grunting] you don't need that spine, it's holding your back! [music stops abruptly] [soft, sad music] [nazi soliders groaning] [kung fury groaning in pain]

[hitler]a-ha! fuck you kung fury. now nothing can stop me and my army of death. [hitler laughingand crowd applauding] [music builds] [crowd whistling and cheering] thank you guys! [music builds to a crescendoand then fades out] what the fuck?

[crowd chattering hysterically] [thunder and lightening] [low rumbling] [thunder clapping] [eery echoing] [beeping and whirringof machinery] [nazi soldiers prattlingand laser-raptor snarling] kill them! [music ends abruptlyand shooting of guns]

[nazi solder screaming] [80's technopop action musickicks back in] [futuristic gun shotsand crowd screaming in agony] [nazi soldier groaning in pain] alright hitler, the gig is up, show me your hands. [triceracop gruntingin confusion] [bird cawing] [triceracop]hackerman,have you seen kung fury? [hackerman]oh, no! we were too late.

[upbeat 80's synthpop music] [cartoon kung fury gruntsin confusion] who the hell are you? my name is cobra. i've been expecting youkung fury. i'm your spirit animal. what the hell is this place? this is heaven,i'm afraid you're dead. what?

but it looks so real. yeah, no it's totally real. mr. cobra, i'm a police officer. i need you to send meback to earth, pronto. i'm sorry,i can't help you with that. you see, you're dead. - you're under arrest!- what? for obstruction of justice, you're breaking the law! [action musicwith dramatic singing]

[cartoon kung fury screamingand music fades out] what the hell happened? i hacked away all ofyour bullet wounds kung fury. thanks! [bird cawing andlaser-raptor shrieking] i want to welcome youand your friends to germany. we are not so different,you and i. i mean we both gotgood style, you know? red, you know?

so, that's cool! we both like doing moves,check it out! [hitler grunts in exertion] and killing people, i love it, you clearly do, too! and that's cool! join me, we could be brothers,we are so alike. it's almost likewe finish each other's... - balls.- what?

[hitler groans in pain] oh, my,not much left of him is there? the important thing is thathe is gone. sorry i doubted you triceracop. you're the best damn partner i've ever had. i came back in timefor you kung fury, because, damn it,i love you. [triumphant 80'ssynthpop music] team work is very important.

so, what happens now kung fury? well, i need tohead back to the office. looks like it's gonna be hell of a lot of paperwork. [car horns honkingand car engine accelerating] open the doors, hoff. i'm sorry fury, i can't let you do that. open the doors, hoff! i'm sorry, i can't let you open the doors kung fury. goddammit, open the doors!

- sorry i can't-- - open the doors! did anyone ever tell you not to hassle the hoff 9000? oh, hoff 9000,you son of a bitch. [interference in musiccoming from radio] piece of shit. [interference in radio signal] [tense drum machine music] [triceracop] oh, my, not much left of him is there? [kung fury] the important thing is that he is gone.

wait a minute, i've seen that symbol before... somewhere. hitler!

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